All better

I’m having an IM conversation right now with a friend about her quasi-long distance relationship with a guy in NY. She is in Texas. She’s going there this weekend and they’re going to figure out what’s really going on with them. Anyhow, talking to her about how their past relationships is effecting them and their current relationship, I realized, I’m over my past. I’m over what Adam and we did to each other, I’m over who I was then and who I became because of our relationship. I don’t love him anymore, but I do care about him. I am friends with him and he’s a good friend to have, but I’m over the hurt and the anger and all that our relationship/break up brought with it. I grew into who I am now and grew up. That relationship is part of my past and an important part of my growing up, but that is all. I can now have a relationship discussion with someone without thinking about/mentioning/making myself omit thoughts of metioning him or “us.” It took me almost 3 years really. I said I was over it like 3 months after we finally quit talking. I was not. I wasn’t for a long time. I am now. I know this because that relationship and what happened to me because of it no longer dictates my actions. I’m still not as available emotionally to people at first, but now I will at least consider a relationship. I was anti-relationship for a long time. For a long time my friends had a nickname for me. It was ice queen. For 2 years I didn’t cry. I think a lot of it was because I was emotionally unavailable, even to myself. Looks like the ice is melting/has melted.

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