Heart hurt

I hate love/relationships/like/insert your own thing here. I have avoided it all for so long because I wanted to worry about me, I wanted to do my own thing, no one I found was worth it, I have ice running through my veins….and mostly because I’m scared. I have these walls that I’ve carefully constructed. They’re tall and thick and guard my heart from everything. These walls are the reason I don’t cry…because I don’t ever let anyone get close enough that they’d have the power to make me cry. I’ve cried twice in the last 2 weeks. Who am I?!? I hate that I’ve cried. I hate that I’ve let people effect me enough to make me cry. I’m not sure they know…and they don’t need to. I’ve just realized that no one, especially men who don’t want me enough to keep me, should have that much impact on my life. They don’t have the right to make me cry. Screw taking down these walls. They’re going back up. I’m going to stay guarded and jaded and suspicious. I am not going to tell them everything. How was my day? Fine. How’s my family? Great. How’s school? Stressful. That’s about all I’m going to give. That’s all they give me and that’s all they need.

I’m here to go to school, finish my masters and pursue my goals. Not to worry about boys and be unhappy. Screw it. My focus is back on me and only me, not me and someone else. I need to make time for my girls and hang out with them. Do what I want to do. I want to spend my nights hanging out in my livingroom with Natashia and Athena. I want to go to Europe for spring break with Aarti and Kayla. I want to do Grey’s nights with the girls and have girls nights downtown where I can be a bitch to the desperate guys who hit on me. I don’t want to constantly have anyone in the back of my head but me. Is it important to me what they want? Should it be? Watch me be selfish, I’m good at it. Here we go again.

PS. I’m a girl and I overreact a lot. I make a bigger deal out of things than they need to be. He called and I’m better.

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2 responses to “Heart hurt

  1. It’s okay Mel. You’ll always have us Katy guys who value you only for your posterior.

    Seriously though, I’m sorry guys suck. You’re gorgeous and I’m sure it is his loss.

  2. I promise I will be better about hanging in your living room and I love you very much. Just know that I only wish I could begin to explain to guys what they are missing when they lose their chance to experience the amazing things you have to offer them and this world!

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