What if…

I think my mom is mad at me.  I don’t think she’s actually mad though, I think she’s just quite disappointed.  Maybe with me, maybe with my brother, maybe with the way we grew up and never blew out a real, adult sibling relationship.  My brother is on a plane right now that is headed for Afghanistan where he will be for more than 400 days.  I haven’t spoken to him since about 2 days after Christmas.  I don’t want to.  I don’t really hold grudges, but I cannot get past who my brother is and how he treats our family.  I don’t want to talk to him.  He texted me on my birthday, which I did answer, and then he called me the other day while in the car with my parents on his way to the airport to go back to Ft. Bragg.

He may have called one other time in January, but I don’t think so.  I didn’t pick up his call and I didn’t return it.  Since he was in the car with mom when he called me, she asked if I talked to him.  I said no and she said to make sure I call him back.  I told her I didn’t want to, that in fact, I haven’t spoken to him since Christmas.  I know this hurt her feelings.  She is afraid he’s not going to come back from Afghanistan.  He might, he might not, and I’m sure that if he doesn’t come back I will feel like a complete ass hole for the things I have written on here, the things I have said, the things I’ve left unsaid, for not trying to get along with him better, etc.  If he does come back, he will have to be quite a different person for me to want to develope the relationship we should have.

Mom is going to be upset with me for not calling him back, and I have no reason other than I didn’t want to.  That may be an asshole move, but I’m not going to call him and make nice just because I’m supposed to.  It’s just not me.

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