Apparently I am a jerk.

Over the last year or so I’ve been made to feel like the way I say things and the way I approach things is not the right way to do things. I’ve become afraid to make a statement without thinking it over so many times I’ve forgotten what I mean to say. I don’t make posts including my opinion anymore beyond, “Oh, I love this” or “Oh, this is cute.” I don’t talk about things I care about. I can’t even find it in myself to tell my roommate to remember to dust the tv and coffee table when he cleans for fear that it’s going to offend him or someone else.

I am who I am and I don’t like feeling like I need to change that. I am blunt, honest and to the point. I always have been. I am never malicious, ill mannered or intentionally rude. That’s not me, but I’ve learned to feel like it is. People have taken the way I communicate and have made me feel like it’s not ok. I’ve been made to feel like I need to change the way I talk to people and communicate what I am thinking. I am a blunt person. i always have been and I find it much easier than trying to muddle up what I am saying with niceties in order not to hurt someone’s (perhaps too) fragile feelings. There are so many fewer steps involved when I can just say what I mean and what I am thinking, rather than having to code it nicely, then say it to someone who has to simplify or decode what I really meant. Why can I not just say what I mean? I’ll tell you why, because I’m afraid someone is going to criticize me for being insensitive or mean. Neither of which I am.

I would NEVER intentionally hurt someone. I would never want to do that. I have always treated others the way I wanted to be treated. Always. And somehow I’ve been made to feel like that’s not good enough, that even though I would never want to hurt someone, I am mean. I am tired of not being able to simply communicate what I mean or saying what I mean and it being twisted into something I did not mean. It’s exhausting.

Oh, and by the way, when I was writing this, it was meant to be read with a melancholy tone, not a raging tone…just in case someone wants to try to make this something it wasn’t meant to be.


One response to “Apparently I am a jerk.

  1. Hey, Melissa –

    You probably didn’t know that I read your blog, but I do! And I wanted to share with you something it’s taken me a long time to learn.

    You are who you are, and you shouldn’t try to change who you are – especially not for the anonymous or not-so-anonymous critics who read your blog and react. You are very blunt and to the point, which some people love to hear/read, and some people don’t take to well (especially when they don’t agree with you). If you listen to every single person who reacts defensively to something you say, you’re going to get so caught up in trying to “fix” yourself or your views or your method of communication that you will entirely lose who you are, what makes you YOU! Be strong and remember that, really, the ONLY people who should ever matter are your family, your boyfriend, your closest, most trusted friends, and ultimately, yourself (and I think that those people love you as you are)! Say what you want to say, and just be prepared that if you put that out in a public sphere, you WILL get negative reactions, but ultimately, you don’t have to even read those :) Good luck girl!

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