Monthly Archives: December 2005


I dreampt about him again last night. Dang it! We were making out at his house. His mom walked in and wanted an opinion on a shirt she was going to give as a gift. It was awkward. I don’t want to dream about him.



To do this year:

-visit New York
-intern at a good agency (prefferably in NY)
-get to 120 from 137
-run the race for the cure
-do papers well in advance
-convince Burns that I want to plan and get into the program
-read Atlas Shrugged
-see a broadway show
-see a ballet
-go to some sort of musical performance (symphony, quintet, quartet…)
-go to the gym to relieve stress

I want to say be less judgemental of myself and others, but I’m trying to put attainable things on here. I don’t realistically think that is something I can do at this point. But I am trying.

3 Mice

My aunt and uncle are really big into birding and they catch and band hawks in texas. My dad wanted to go, so they came up for Christmas, stayed the night and the next day they went to catch Dad a hawk. They use mice as the bait in their traps. On Christmas night this is what we did:

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I seem to be having quite a few of them since I’m at home. Last night he was with another girl, one he had just met. Hanging out like we did last Christmas. Out until 6am. He didn’t want to talk to me anymore. Even my subconscious thinks about him. :-( Damn you dreams.

As much as I don’t want to, I have liked the same guy for close to a year now

I want to be a bitch, but mostly I think I’m hurt. The other day we were in the car and I told him that I don’t want to like him. He said he could tell. I don’t. If I had it my way I would much rather just be friends with him. I was very open with him the other day. Different for me. I am usually very guarded and I don’t tell him much. That day just about everything I thought came out of my mouth. I wish it hadn’t. Haven’t talked to him much since then. I realize it was Christmas this weekend and everyone has family time and everything, but I called him tonight and he asked if he could call me back in a minute. What could I say? No? He never called me back. It’s been at least an hour and a half. I just want things to be normal and not weird. I’m afraid he’s going to treat me differently now. This is why I’m not open. I wish I had kept my mouth shut, I feel like things are going to be weird between us now or he’s going to avoid me. I feel like we’re pretty decent friends and that’s what I want to be. He’s too complicated for anything more. Don’t avoid me. Don’t be weird around me. Just be normal. I am not going to allow him to push me away. Well, I don’t want to, but I guess that’s not really up to me. A few months ago I told him I was going to be around for long enough to get to know him better than he allows most people to know him and to gain his trust in that I was really going to stick around. I meant that.

Separate Beds

I got home last night about 2 from playing pool for a few hours with Mike, Mike, and Rob. (Hi, I’m Larry and this is my brother Daryll and this is my other brother Daryll. Hehe, I’m funny even though the only people who will get that probably don’t read this.) Anyhow, I got home and Mom was up. Weird. She said her throat was sore and that she was getting orange juice. Then I went upstairs to shower and get ready for bed. There were windows open in Brian’s room and I couldn’t figure out what the sound was that I heard until I went in there. Keep in mind Brian doesn’t live here anymore. So I went in and established that the windows were open. I was going to close them, but then I looked around. The bed was being slept in. There was a wadded up tissue and a prayer book on the bed. On the dresser were a blowdrier, mom’s makeup and the other things she uses in the morning. On the floor were her clothes and shoes for today. I had gone into my parents room when I got home to tell my dad g’night and realized there was no pillow in mom’s place. I noticed it but didn’t process it. I did when I saw all this in Brian’s room. Why was mom sleeping in another room??? They’ve both been irritated with each other on and off since I got home. This is weird.

They were getting divorced. Don’t remember any details except that they slept in separate rooms. I guess my subconscious is worried. That is what I dreampt about last night. Not like it hasn’t happened before. I think it would be a much bigger deal now though than it was in 3rd grade.


“Kwanzaa was created more than 30 years ago to boost African American pride.” -newslady

All I have to say is I am not PC and I am not going to be PC. I want a white holiday. Most of the people who participate in Kwanzaa are not African; their ancestors may be, but they are not. If they can have a holiday for black people, I want one for white people. Maybe I should have a German American pride boosting holiday. Oh, and I don’t want to be called white anymore, it’s offensive. Please call me German, Irish, English, French American from now on.

Christmas is not a white holiday, it is a Christian holiday. Why create a black holiday the same time of year to boost African American pride? Competition? Is Christmas not good enough for you? Why does African American (black) pride even need a boost? Why not quit separating the races and creating and us and them? If you want to be African, go to Africa. Otherwise, I suggest you accept that just like me, you are American and live with it that way.