IM Conversation as follows:
Natashia: I made you a key for my apartment today
Me: Haha, for real? :)
Natashia: Yes, for real. I wanted someone else in Austin to have a key and I trust you the most.
Me: Yay! I’m going to come in and snuggle with you at night while you’re sleeping.
Natashia: Don’t make promises you won’t keep
(She already has a key to my place from when she lived with me)
I hate love/relationships/like/insert your own thing here. I have avoided it all for so long because I wanted to worry about me, I wanted to do my own thing, no one I found was worth it, I have ice running through my veins….and mostly because I’m scared. I have these walls that I’ve carefully constructed. They’re tall and thick and guard my heart from everything. These walls are the reason I don’t cry…because I don’t ever let anyone get close enough that they’d have the power to make me cry. I’ve cried twice in the last 2 weeks. Who am I?!? I hate that I’ve cried. I hate that I’ve let people effect me enough to make me cry. I’m not sure they know…and they don’t need to. I’ve just realized that no one, especially men who don’t want me enough to keep me, should have that much impact on my life. They don’t have the right to make me cry. Screw taking down these walls. They’re going back up. I’m going to stay guarded and jaded and suspicious. I am not going to tell them everything. How was my day? Fine. How’s my family? Great. How’s school? Stressful. That’s about all I’m going to give. That’s all they give me and that’s all they need.
I’m here to go to school, finish my masters and pursue my goals. Not to worry about boys and be unhappy. Screw it. My focus is back on me and only me, not me and someone else. I need to make time for my girls and hang out with them. Do what I want to do. I want to spend my nights hanging out in my livingroom with Natashia and Athena. I want to go to Europe for spring break with Aarti and Kayla. I want to do Grey’s nights with the girls and have girls nights downtown where I can be a bitch to the desperate guys who hit on me. I don’t want to constantly have anyone in the back of my head but me. Is it important to me what they want? Should it be? Watch me be selfish, I’m good at it. Here we go again.
PS. I’m a girl and I overreact a lot. I make a bigger deal out of things than they need to be. He called and I’m better.
Last night I met Sharen, Aarti and Juli at Houlihan’s for drinks. They had already started their first. I got one and they got a second. From there we went to meet Jana, Anne and the guys at Soho to say hi. We didn’t even get a drink there and then we were off to Cuba Libra. Yay for not staying on 6th street! On the way out the door guy stopped me. He’d been in Aldo last week with his girlfriend and remembered me. When he was there he told me I looked like Ali Larter…which I don’t. Anyway…to Cuba we went. As we were walking through we had some guys make bird calls at us. Wtf?!? We got a table, ordered drinks and hung out. Apparently we went out on guido night. I didn’t realize there were that many in Austin. Then some not cute guys sent their cuter friend over to us to tell us we were being anti-social. They walked up, asked if he was bothering us and decided to occupy the table next to us. We ignored them and they left after they finished their drinks. Something we decided while there…guys downtown are desperate. It’s sad really. I, however, am not considerate of this…I’m an ass to them with the best of them. After we finished our drinks we headed to Six.
When we were walking to Six Juli grabbed a cab and went home. When we got there the door guy told me I had the hottest shoes he’d seen all night. Hehe. Then we headed up to the roof and got a bottle of wine. We hung out for a bit, saw Jill, went downstairs, saw Jeff with a girl…random…made a trip to the bathroom where someone let one go and we lost it. Sharen had to go out in the hall cause she was laughing so hard. I just stayed in there and laughed with Aarti. Then we went back upstairs and decided to finish our wine and go. On the way out I had this black guy poke me on the arm. When I turned around he said, “I just have one question. Is yo mama black or is yo daddy black? Wait a minute, can you hold my drink for a minute?” *attempts to set it on my butt* I laughed and we left. I then sent it in a text to someone which prompted some texting that resulted in me pushing too much, him getting mad and now not talking to me.
From there we went to The Belmont. Again we went right upstairs and got a bottle of wine. I met a green beret who wanted to take a pic with me and talked a min about my brother being in the army. We then sat at a table and talked crap about all the funny frat-tastic guys. We left about 2 when the bar was closing. 3 indian guys came up and talked to us. We talked on the street with them for a bit and then headed home. On the way to my car I stepped funny on a curb, kinda twisted my ankle and fell down. Hello, I feel stupid. I have a big bruise on my knee now. It was good times. I like wine and I like Aarti and Sharen. I was upset on the drive home because of the guy who won’t talk to me, but I guess it’s out of my hands at this point. All in all it was a good night and I felt cute.
I want something to get dressed up for. I want to wear a nice dress, do my hair and obsess about my makeup. I want to feel pretty, have a guy tell me I look pretty, and drink wine. I want to feel grown up and mingle. I just want to wear a cocktail dress and be with a guy in a tie. I want the full experience of the romance that can be the holidays. Mostly I just want to get dressed up.
Wednesday: 1:30 – Leave Austin
4:00 – Arrive at Mom & Dad’s and bitch about traffic
5:00 – Nap
7:30 – Wake up and start the new puzzle Mom bought
8:00 – Meet Mom, Dad, Curries and Brian at Willie’s for lots of beer and fried food
9:15 – Get home, watch a movie that none of us can remember now, hang out, work on food for
12:00 – Get in bed with a girl
Thursday: 8:45 – Turn off phone alarm
9:15 – Wake up to giggles, go downstairs, discover my parent’s 3 godchildren running around,
help mom with food.
12ish – Dad sat at my computer playing with my music and sang along to Baby Got Back. Mom
and I were at the sink peeling apples for apple pie when Uncle Robert walked up to the
window holding a hawk. A hawk! Everyone proceeded to rush out to the driveway. We
gawked and touched and held and then came back inside to continue making apple pie.
1:45 – Get bullied into washing my car. It still needs to get vacuumed out.
3:00 – Vacuum out car
3:30 – Peel, cut up, boil, mash potatoes, make green bean casserole
6:00 – Dinner 2 hours late with Mom, Dad, Brian (brother), Todd (Brian’s best friend), Athena,
Seth, Aunt Kay, Uncle Robert and myself. Quotes that resulted from out absolutely
innapropriate dinner conversations:
Uncle Robert: There’s a bitch in me just dying to get out
Todd: Go ahead and just let it out
Uncle Robert: All I can think about is how Jose Cuervo’s out there all by himself in the
Topics we discussed: How I was an unplanned pregnancy, my brother and my conception
(shoot me in the head), being felt up, gay bars, Todd sending Brian an email in junior high
threatening to blow up the school and how Mom called the FBI (she swears she didn’t know
it was him until tonight), and then we spent the better part of 10 minutes making music
with our wine glasses.
7:00 – Mom is doing dishes, Aunt Kay is working on my puzzle, Brian and Todd have left, U.
Robert, Dad and Seth are in the back yard with Jose.
8:00 – Grey’s Anatomy
10:15 – Drive back to Austin after confiscating lots of yummy food
-long sleeve tshirts
-the old hs, band friends
-knowing a guy I like likes me back (not saying that’s the case at this moment – just that I like it when it happens)
-Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade
-cooking with mom
-playing the piano
-my tragus piercing
-4 inch heels
-talking to my mom
-May 19, 2007 (my final graduation)
-reading for fun
-sleep at the end of a long day
-not having to set an alarm
-football ALL day
-that I can so easily amuse myself
-being able to be completely inapropriate with good friends
-hot showers when I’m cold to the bone
-melted marshmallows in hot chocolate
Papa did not have surgery today. Apparently “they” wanted to run more tests. They did and he is now having quadruple bypass surgery tomorrow at 8am eastern time. 7 our time. I’m sure it will finish while I am in class. I will have my phone with me and I will get up and leave class to answer the phone when mom calls to tell me about it all.
Tonight Athena and Seth got hit by some idiot trying to make a left turn from the middle lane of a 3 lane street. Now they don’t have a car to drive home in and if they don’t ride home with me tomorrow they’re not going to come. That makes me sad. I want us all to be together for the holiday! We’ll see what happens. I was going to try to leave early to go make desserts all day with mom, but I have a prof who didn’t cancel classes and I have to stay for that. Boooo. Now, I might stick around and wait for them so they can come home. I guess we’ll see tomorrow.
So I have plane tickets to go to NY for New Years. I’ve had them since the beginning of October. I’m such a freaking planner. I was hoping my buying tickets would make the other girls realize I was serious and buy theirs too. It didn’t work like that. Steph and Renata still live there…so I knew it would at least be the 3 of us. Wrong. Steph will be there but has no money to buy tickets to anything and plan the night in advance. This scares me and I’m afraid it won’t be as fun as I want it to be…but it’s New Years, it’s New York and they’re good friends. It’ll be fine, right? I’m trying to convince myself. Then, I found out Renata has the week between Christmas and New Years off, so she’s going back to Hillsdale. One girl down. Then, Amy decided to go to the Wisconsin bowl game in Florida. She wants to try to get a lond layover in NY, but I’m skeptical. Girl #2 down. (There are 5 of us.) Gaby is up in the air. She wants Brad to buy her ticket and she wants to stay for like 2 weeks. It kind of sounds like that isn’t going to happen. If he doesn’t buy it she’s not going to come. I say buy a ticket and come just to hang out with the girls…but it’s not up to me. No one else going made me think, maybe I’ll just stay in Texas where I know I’ll have a good time, I can miss less work, and don’t have to worry about drama. I can use the ticket another time. Then I talked to OPH, Terence and Steph. I think I’m going to go, let the planner in me freak out and try to be spontanious. It’s hard for me not to plan things. I just want things to be perfect and know that they’re going to be fun, you know? Maybe not. No one’s quite as obsessive about it as I am. I’ll stress if things aren’t all planned out. I guess I’m just going to have to go up there without a plan and let whatever happens happen. I’m afraid it won’t be fun because it won’t be perfect, but who am I kidding. I had a flipping amazing time all summer and we didn’t plan anything. I know it will be fun, I just need to be more optimistic and east going. SO much easier said than done for me. Whatever, I’m trying. I’m worrying, but I’m trying not to. School is going to be rough enough on me during the next 3 weeks. I’ll probably be writing a lot so as not to have to do all my homework that I really should be doing.
By the way, have I mentioned that I love New York and just want to move there now? Can I skip out on my last semester? Who really needs a masters in advertising? I wish.